A must-read for all new internet stars!
Congratulations! You have achieved something few could ever strive for. Not necessarily because you worked for it(not always anyway), but because you were the luck of the draw. Your birthright has finally shown itself to the world. Now that you have become one of the 'haves' it is time to understand in exquisite detail the terms of 'proper internet etiqette'. Mind you, many of the original terms no longer apply to you for obvious reasons, but this list will help you learn all that is essential to weilding your cyberspace godhood correctly. How can it be asserted as correct? Well as so many already practice this so efficiently, it has to be!
1. Fame and success are godliness: This fact and rule are the glue that all the others are bound to; to many, you are a god, and for so many to think it, it must be true. The ways of the gods of theology are essential to further understanding this.
2. Governing the lessers: The have-nots are what they are; have-nots. As such, they must know their place and often be shown that it is and always will be beneath you. They must realize that to be in your presence is to be in the presence of a god, and gods are superior to mortals after all. Those who see you a role model and inspiration initially may seem a flattering form of worship, but is in truth an unacceptable act of hubris; for like mortals to gods, have-nots are put on this earth to WORSHIP you, not BECOME you, so be quick and often to point out with every attempt they only reach for the impossible to insure they never forget that, as mentioned, they are small and insignificant, especially compared to you.
3. Sharing your wisdom: You were born a natural at your talent. Let no one convince you otherwise, for it places you on the level of your lessers. Often these lessers, amazed and awed by your success, will ask for advice on how to follow in those footsteps or even offer their own inferior efforts to do so for critique. Regretably, they fail to realize the simple fact; THEY CAN'T EVER COMPARE TO A GOD. Respond in a manner that insures they wouldn't dare muster the foolish courage to waste your time again, be it through subtle but menacing passive-aggression or a more blunter approach of ridicule and insults. This will put them back in their place and much closer to accepting that a god cannot be expected to care about mortal affairs, or encourage such delusions of grandeur from them.
4. Exhibiting your wrath: while proper internet conduct's rules may no longer apply to you, they not only apply to the lesser, inferior peoples of the internet, but it is your role as a god to punish them for any mistake. Carelessness must be met without mercy, to insure all will fear to do so in your presence. Even with one infraction, a careless soul must be broken and humiliated and made example of, for in such times a wrathful god will gain far more respect and admiration then a forgiving god.
5. Expanding the pathenon: only rarely do some mortals achieve godliness, as has been seen with the hero Hercules. However, like Hercules, one must have been born fortunate and blessed to have a chance. Should these blessings manifest, then they may be welcomed into the established pathenon of internet godliness. It is in this and only this circle that idle and casual chatter be encouraged. A god does not engage such things with lessers, after all and it would only make them look bad to the other walking success stories to be lowering themselves so profoundly except to draw in praise and worship. Recreational activities should only be had with members of this selective and elite circle, and should only be partaken for the sole purpose of exhibiting your greatness to other, lesser beings so they, too, can join your worshippers or be swept aside in your wake.
6. Being above all others entitles many privileges: as described in rules 2 and 3, have-nots exist solely to serve your ego in one manner or another. If they are not of the elite circle such as yourself or have come solely to worship your greatness and glory, they've no place in your presence and are to be informed of such in the most breaking way possible to insure any delusion of being seen an equal is systematically crushed as well. If once you were equals, they must realize you and they are equals no more. You are above them, they are beneath you. They were without the talent that has defined you and now to see them as an equal will only reduce you to their inferior level. In moments of boredom, gods have made sport of making mortals miserable, and you are now entitled to enjoy the same practices upon those who are beneath you. You need not feel remorse or pity from what to them seems an act of cruelty. Gods are blameless, after all, and free of consequences. For every one meaningless have-not that you have trampled the feelings of, hundreds more await to elevate your own to the best of their ability!
7. Infallability: You are always right. They are always wrong. This is the way of godhood and is now the way of your new status. What do these lowly inferiors know? Look what their choices in life and their own lack of born talent and perfection have earned them! Your own choices and good luck have earned you greatness after all, and with the countless faces, worthless except to elevate you they may be, continue to shower you with praise and adoration it would be foolish to think yourself wrong. As discussed in rules 4 and 6, you are ABOVE them, and therefore it is not their place to be so arrogant as to think a god can be wrong, and such foolishness should be punished accordingly, in a manner that will humiliate them such they would not dare question your infallability again and realize themselves fools for challenging you. It is, alas a flaw generated only by their envy of your greatness that they have accepted they can never achieve themselves.
(and if you can't tell I was being _entirely_ sarcastic, you're worse-off then I thought. I grow increasingly weary of seeing this over-inflated sense of entitlement in people 11 years after having graduated high school...)